Hogwarts is Unruly
by Puppet String
Summary: My take on how it would be to go to Hogwarts. Daily life, being sorted, train fights, and all that wonderful unruly crap they allow even though the school is supposed to be safe. Rated for language and some violence. If you don't like swearing, this story isn't for you. It's a parody.
1. All Aboard

Lusa stuffed her hands into the pockets of her fluffy pink parka.

'_England is so fucking cold_,' she thought, feeling raindrops on her hood. 'I_ can't wait to get home! Why can't that douche pick up his feet?_'

She glanced at her brother, Arron, who was moseying along beside her. He wore all black. Jeans, tee-shirt, and beat up old hoodie.

His boots looked kind of like ugly black butcher boots, but with less of a heel.

"Can't we walk any faster?" She asked. Arron glanced down at his twin. "No." She rolled her eyes. "Why not? It's colder than a penguin's frozen ass out here!" He shrugged. "I don't care. You can always go on your own if you're in such a fucking hurry." Jenna grit her teeth. He knew she couldn't- their parents would be pissed. She was smaller, so her brother always had to tag along. Or, in the twins' minds, Lusa was always the tag along.

'_Ass hole!_'

"Fine...We can walk slowly."

She glanced behind them. Some scary looking hobo dude was following them.

"Uh...Arron, can we walk down main street? I don't want to go through the neighborhood today." Lusa didn't want the hobo to see where they lived.

"No. We're taking the shortcut."

'_You little bastard, just listen! we're going to get our asses beat by some scraggly eight foot tall hobo dude with a weight problem thanks to you!_'

"Oh...Okay."

They took several turns, walking at least six blocks. The hobo was still behind them. Finally, Arron spun around.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM MY SISTER AND I? IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANHANDLE, THIS IS THE WRONG PLACE. FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT, GET A JOB AND QUIT FOLLOWING KIDS HOME YOU FAT ASS BAG OF SHIT!"

Lusa gaped in horror.

'_What the fuck, Arron? He's going to kill us now!_'

The hobo frowned.

"Is that any way to talk to the gamekeeper of your campus?"

"We can't afford any pets, genius. We're in a recession."

Lusa grinned sheepishly.

"Uh...Hi, sir. We were just going to walk down to Scotland Yard Headquarters, so...uh...bye."

She took off, grabbing Arron's hand.

He followed, but grudgingly.

"Lusa, we should stand our ground!"

"Against that? Go get your IQ checked, mister tough guy!"

"No!"

The hobo pursued.

"Wait! Kids! The owls are resting today, so I have to deliver a letter to you two!"

"RUN FASTER, ARRON!"

They were springing through the streets now. Then, Lusa turned blue. She was cold, out of breath, and her heart pounded.

'Shit!'

Arron stopped.

"Hurry up!"

"I can't!'

"Oh, you little shit sucker!"

"Stop swearing so much-it's only chapter one, Arron!"

"What?"

"I don't know! But I can't keep running!"

The hobo swooped her up.

"Got you!"

Lusa screamed, kicking and flailing randomly in an attempt to escape.

"Nope. Doesn't hurt."

"ARRON, HELP!"

The hobo reached into his coat pocket.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck! Gun! Or some sharp thing or something else bad!'

The hobo pulled out a piece of paper-wait, two.

"Here you go, kids!"

He dropped Lusa unceremoniously, leaving her to land the head she landed on.

"Owww..."

Arron just stood there.

"What the hell, you drug addicted freak?"

Hagrid handed him two letters.

"You're coming to Hogwarts!"

"What the Hell is Hogwarts?"

"A wizard school! You're lizards, children."

"Lizards?"

"Did I say lizard? No. I said wizard. Now get your shit together-your parents already know!"

"You don't know our parents!"

"Peter and Anne. You're that stupid looking blue house with a gray roof four blocks to our left."

"YOU STALKER!"

"It's my job!"

"To hunt down children?"

"Yep! Then I put them in shopping carts and drive them into the wall at the train station so that they can get to platform nine and three quarters!"

"Arron, we should run."

"Yep."

"NOPE!"

Hagrid lifted them off the ground, then waddled all the way back to their house, shoved them in the kitchen window, and waited patiently while their parents explained everything about being a magical freak of nature and the school where stairs moved and people died every year because of some noseless schizophrenic who was obsessed killing some poor little orphan boy.

Then, they were packed and shoved out the door into Hagrid's waiting shopping cart.

"TO THE TRAIN STATION!" Hagrid cried.

"Help!" Lusa wailed.

"Both of you, shut up." Arron growled, crossing his arms.

"Shut up, Arron! At least you don't have to ride in the little kid's seat in the back of the cart!"


	2. The Slytherin Car

"Ah, here we go! Platform nine and three quarters, dead ahead!" Hagrid took off at a full sprint, the shopping cart going full force toward a brick pillar.

"WE'RE GOING TO CRASH-TAKE COVER!" Arron covered his head and neck, also managing to shove Lusa down and provide her some cover, too.

Then, the cart went through the wall.

"Woah..." Lusa looked around. A beautiful, old-looking train steamed on a track beside her. Trollies full of goodies could be seen, along with a line of children boarding.

"I don't have a ticket, and neither does Arron."

"Bullshit. Here you go, kids!"

Hagrid shoved them on the train.

"Sit where you like. I'd recommend avoiding the Slytherin car, though. They're a nasty bunch. Wouldn;t want to get in a fight on your first day, eh?"

Lusa nodded, but her brother just shrugged.

"If I knock someone out, how much trouble will I be in?"

"It'll probably give you detention."

"Meh, not the worst thing out there. Slytherin car it is!"

He boarded and left Lusa standing alone.

"Er...Mr. Hobo-"

"Hagrid. Not Hobo, Hagrid."

"Okay, then. Mr. Hagrid, which train car do you think I should look for?"

"Try to find Harry. He'll be sitting with a frizzy, ginger-haired girl and a dorky looking redhed boy. Harry has glasses and a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead-you can't miss him."

With that, he left, likely to go find more students to shove on the train.

Lusa wandered through the cars aimlessly until she felt it begin to move.

"Everyone, take a seat!" The intercom ordered, a shrill voice ringing through the train car.

'_Shit._'

Lusa walked to the next car. In there, the seats were open and a group of children clad in silver and green sat talking. Arron had sat himself down on his own, so Lusa figured it couldn't hurt to sit next to him.

"Hey, first-year!" A boy with pale blonde hair stood up, grinning. "Welcome to the Slytherin train. Are you a pure-blood wizard?"

"I don't know. I didn't even know I was a wizard until this morning when Hagrid took my brother and I here."

"If you aren't sure, leave. No Mudbloods welcome."

"Is that an insult?"

"Yes. Now, out with you!"

He gave her a hard shove, knocking her to the floor and earning grins and harsh laughter from the other Slytherin present.

Arron looked up, frowning.

"Pick her up and haul your scrawny ass to the next car, shit bag."

The other kids on the train made a simultaneous, "OOOOHHH..." just as regular kids would when somebody got called to the principal's office.

The blonde frowned.

"Who do you think you are, ordering me about? I'll teach you to meddle with Draco Malfoy!"

He pulled out a twig, pointing it at Arron.

"Is this a fucking joke?"

Arron grinned, eying the boy in a condescending fashion. Draco frowned.

"If it is, you won't be laughing for long!"

Arron stood up, grabbed the twig, and held it over his head.

"Jump for it, you frilly little prep!"

Arron stood at five foot eleven, and Draco only went up to his chin. Lusa was even smaller-at five foot one, she was only at about his armpit.

Draco jumped up and down, rage filling his voice as he shrieked.

"GIVE IT BACK, YOU FILTHY FIRST-YEAR! YOU'LL REGRET THIS!"

Arron smiled.

"Oh, really? What are you going to do, kick me?"

Malfoy fell silent. If he kicked the first-year, he'd undoubtedly end up in the hospital wing for at least two days. Would it be worth it? He could possibly get the first-year detention. But then what about the girl? She'd squeal for sure. He just had to get his wand back...

"Fine, keep it. It's of no use to me anyway." He told the first-year coolly.

Arron grinned. "Great. I'm sure you wouldn't mind me doing this, then."

Arron held the wand firmly in his left hand, looked Malfoy straight in the eyes, and snapped the wand in two with his thumb.

"Oopse," He said in mock sympathy, "Looks like blondie broke is wand. Bad luck."

He tossed Malfoy the two separate halves.

"Maybe he'll learn not to mess with Arron Rook."

With that, Arron helped Lusa up and herded her toward the train car's door.

"Lusa, this car is full of idiots and douche bags. I think we'd better find somewhere else to sit."

The two departed, but Lusa stole a nervous glance back.

She was sure that Malfoy was going to beat the shit out of her the first time he got a chance.


	3. Gryffendor Car

Lusa and Arron managed to find a place to sit in one of the other cars. Three people were already in the car, though. They matched Hagrid's descriptions of the three Gryffendors to keep an eye open for. Lusa hoped they'd be more welcoming than Malfoy and his friends had been.

"Um...Hi," Lusa said quietly, opening the car's door. "Would you mind if my brother and I sat here? The other cars are full."

Arron shrugged.

"Not the Slytherin car, but we aren't welcome there. If a professor asks, the little blonde brat accidentally stepped on the wand. We were never in there."

The three already in the car exchanged a look, but finally, the girl moved over.

"We suppose it couldn't hurt. There's only room for one of you on the seat, though."

Arron glanced at his sister.

"Seat or floor? I don't care."

Lusa eyed the floor. It had a carpet, and Arron had totally saved her ass in the other car. She'd cost him his seat.

"I'll take the floor."

Arron took the seat, and the red headed boy moved over, looking nervous about Arron sitting next to him.

Lusa sat criss-cross on the floor, bundled in her parka.

"Excuse me," The girl asked, "What are your names? I don't believe we caught them. I'm Hermione. The boy next to me is Harry, and that's Ron."

Lusa smiled. At least these fellow train passengers were friendly!

Arron spoke for them, as usual. Lusa was too quiet for his taste, so he usually did the talking.

"I'm Arron and that's my sister, Lusa. Where's this crazy train going?"

Harry frowned.

"It's not a crazy train. It's taking us to Hogwarts- it's a school for young witches and wizards. Didn't you know that?"

Lusa shook her head.

"Hagrid showed up, our parents handed us our bags, and then he put us in a shopping cart and ran us through a pillar at the train station. Then we got on and-"

Arron cut her off.

"And some blonde kid 'Fell on his wand' and broke it. Then we sat here. When does school end so we can go home?"

Ron piped up.

"It ends in a few months. After that, everyone goes back home until next yea-"

Lusa jumped up.

"Wait, did you say months? We'll be gone for more than two days? But I've never been away from home that long! What if something bad happens? Did Mom and Dad fill out emergency contact forms?"

Arron growled.

"Lusa, can it. You'll be fine. Nobody will hurt you- I guarantee it. Now shut up so I can sleep for the rest of the ride."

He put on his headphones, which were the first things he'd fished out of his bag, and began blasting his music. After a minute or two, he crossed his arms, sank back in the seat, and shut his eyes.

"Well..." Hermione said sarcastically, "Your brother is certainly a bundle of joy. Is he always like that?"

Lusa nodded.

"Most of the time. But sometimes he's better. Try to catch him in a good mood. It's not easy, but it's worth it when you do!"

Harry grinned.

"Wow. I hope you get suited into the same house!"

Lusa raised an eyebrow.

"What does that mean? Is there like a team division in the school or something like at a summer camp?"

Harry nodded.

"Sort of. You are sorted by a magical hat once you arrive into one of four houses- Gryffendor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuf. I hope you get into the same house! Otheriwse you won't see each other much outside of class and mealtimes. Actually, you'll be in the girls' dormitory, so you may just not see much of each other at all."

Lusa's stomach churned. What would she do in a huge, scary place without her brother? She'd be beat up-that was for sure. Her temper was too hot for her own good, and she was usually too small to back it up much when she called a bully on his crap.

Oh, boy. She was in it deep if she got a separate house from her brother.

The rest of the train ride, Lusa was quiet. Hermione spoke with her friends quietly, but Lusa ignored them.

She had enough to worry about.


End file.
